As you may have noticed, I took a prolonged break from my blog. This could have been for many reasons. Getting my heart broken (true), getting my medication balanced out after it was clear the one I was on was total crap (true), or turning a new page in life (also true). But if I’m to be honest, it was for none of those reasons. No, I stopped writing because I finally had to face myself. And standing there in that harsh spotlight, I was forced to look at myself (and my illness) with brutal honesty. And I didn’t like what I saw.
You see, I used to be a pretty awful person that lied and manipulated constantly to get her way. And I thought that I had put that person in the ground. But when I had my first fullblown manic episode my second semester of college, which led to hospitalization and then a one-way ticket back home, my life sort of turned upside down. And when our lives get turned upside down, we tend to go back to what we know. What feels safe. So as much as I hate to admit it, I reverted right back to the very thing I swore I’d never be again. A selfish, lying jackass.
As you can imagine, this all eventually came crashing down on my head. And in the horrific aftermath, the people most hurt were the people I most cared about. And one by one, a lot of them walked out of my life, slamming the door in my face for good. I don’t blame them one bit.
So I stopped writing the blog because, I realized, I was a hypocrite and a liar. I could blame it on the illness if I wanted but that would just be one more tired excuse that meant absolutely nothing. I did those things. I hurt those people. And I knew what I was doing. I may not have known the extent of devastation that would occur but it was my selfishness that caused it. And so I didn’t want to write the blog anymore because I didn’t want to give people any more reason to think me a hypocrite.
But now I’m back. I don’t know if I’m necessarily a good person now. I know I’m trying to be. In the words of Tim McGraw: “I’m not as good as I’m gonna get. But I’m better than I used to be.”
My return to my blog is also a decision to get on with my life. It doesn’t mean I don’t regret what I did. It doesn’t mean I’m not sorry. But eventually, in order to turn a corner in your life, you have to shut the door on some things. I’ve shut the door on lying and secrecy but I’ve also decided to shut the door on anger and self-loathing. It’s gotten me nowhere. Self-loathing is just another way to be self-absorbed. I’m done romanticizing my disorder and the things I’ve done. I’ll be the first to admit: I screwed up. Royally. But it’s time to let the past be the past and move forward. I can’t change my past mistakes but I can try to make sure I don’t screw up the same way again.
Also, if I believe what I say I believe, then I have to believe that I am forgiven. We, as people, are somewhat narcisstic in nature. We always believe our crimes the most grievous and therefore outside the bounds of grace. But as C.S. Lewis once wrote: “I think that if God forgives us, we must forgive ourselves. Otherwise, it is almost like setting up ourselves as a higher tribunal than Him.” That has been so hard and though I don’t always feel forgiven or feel that I should be, I know that I am. I may not deserve it but the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair. (I’ve been listening to Relient K.)
I’m on two new medications right now that are, for the most part, miracles in pill form. I’m much more even-keeled these days, I’ve gained nearly 10 pounds since I last wrote, and for the first time in a long time, a normal life is beginning to look possible. I’m returning to my original school (JBU SPIRIT!) in the fall and I can’t wait.
I apologize for this entry. I realize it’s not of my usual calibre but I just wanted to update people on where I’ve been. The choppy language and evident lack of editing are due to how fast I’m writing. I want to go ahead and post this before I convince myself not to. Better entries are still to come – I hope.